So, I had a biopsy Friday

I expected at some point in my life I was going to have one. Half of American men and a third of American women get cancer in their lifetime. I'm not as worried about it as people think I should be. But if you dwell on misery and pain and worry your brain becomes better at it.

Why would I want to practice THAT until I was good at it?

So anyway, I'm not very efficient at worrying. Here's how I see it. If they find cancer, they'll take it out. If that doesn't work, I die eventually. I'm fairly confident I've left the world better than I found it so dying doesn't bug me a much as the possibility of lingering on and wasting away. But that's pretty unlikely.

If I had to pick a place to get cancer, the thyroid is where I'd want it in the first place. You see the lumps right away, it cures easily and its processes are easily replaced synthetically. It's not like brain cancer or liver cancer or leukemia. I wouldn't wish those on anyone. And I've run across some people who are so efficient at misery and worry they can infect a hundred people a day.

BUT, considering my diet, it's probably a goiter brought on by my own stupidity. I don't eat much junk food or table salt, I grew up vegetarian and since I had my gallbladder removed because I was eating too much cheese, I went vegan against my will.

(You only have to have a bad digestive cholesterol reaction once before you decide to go vegan. TRUST ME! I have never been more disgusted in my life. It defies description.)

It never occurred to me there could be foods out there that prevent you from absorbing iodine. 80% of my daily diet was made of soy dairy replacements, raw broccoli and cauliflower, peanuts, almonds, strawberries, cherries and peaches. Not to mention that I stopped eating egg yolks.

So now I have a lump in my neck. Probably from eating too much broccoli and not enough Big Macs. But I bet I have a better heart than people who eat too many Big Macs and not enough broccoli. So there!

This brings me to another item. Last year my Honey was diagnosed with cancer the day I found out Loki was a finalist in the CBS contest. I had a very mixed year emotionally.

Then as the Honey was recovering, Loki got a lump in his leg. The vet thought it was cancerous but on the day of surgery (after Loki was shaved, much to his annoyance) it popped and flattened out. It comes and goes now so they think it's a fat bubble.

The money I set aside to promote Loki's books went to medical bills and I sorta disappeared off the internet. I decided to stop socializing online and spend more time with my family. I passed on a lot of chances to do readings and make appearances. Loki even retired from the video business.

Now Loki and the Honey are certified cancer-free and it's my turn to get a lump checked.

But instead of wondering what they're going to find in the biopsy I keep thinking about whether Loki getting cancer would make a good picture book, or if it would be cheesey, or too scary.